Religious Jokes

A Texan visiting Vermont asked a farmer how large an acreage he cultivated. The Vermonter said, meditatively, “Oh, it’s quite large. My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly a hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?”

The Texan could not help but smile. “Back home, ” he said, “I have a ranch with my house at one end. I can get into my car at the house early in the morning, turn the ignition, step on the gas, and at the end of the day, still not have reached the other end.”

The Vermont farmer nodded sympathetically. “Tough! I once had a car like that, too.”

Some classic answers from Irish radio Just-a-minute quiz.

Actual answers given to the bould Larry Gogan (Irish Radio Presenter).
1) Something a blind man might use?
A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
F
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name
Heil As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint: Think of my name)
A pig in shit
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach
A deckchair
14) A famous Royal
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac
April
22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls
A roof
25) Something Slippery
A conman
26) A kind of ache
A filet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato
29) A famous Scotsman
Jock
30) A famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels
32) Larry: Famous sports commentator?
Female contestant: No response
Larry: Something you might suck on!
Female contestant: Dickie Davis
Correct answer: Murray Walker

33) And in reply from a man who got none of the answers right:
Larry - Ah sorry the questions didn’t suit you today.
Entrant - Fuck off Larry, you’re nothing but an ould bollox anyway

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at the next station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.

The blonde is moving the hanger round and round, while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!!”

There is a new KFC product in New York! It is called a bucket of Hillary. You get two small breasts, two large thighs and a whole bunch of left wings.