Religious Jokes

This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

Let’s say you’re a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would YOU use?

A little boy was dressed up for Halloween as a pirate. When he knocked on the door, a man came holding candy.

The little boy said with a lisp, “I’m a piwate, can you tell, can you tell?”

The man said, “Yes, but where are your buccaneers?”

The boy replied, “They’re on my buckin’ head, open your buckin’ eyes!”

Tom’s best friend wakes him up on sunday morning after a long night of partying and drags him to church. Despite Tom’s pleas for sleep his friend forces him to sit through the entire sermon.

As the priest begins his sermon Tom drifts asleep. The priest asks the church, “Why are we gathered here this morning?” At that very moment Tom’s friend, noticing Tom is asleep, jabs a pencil into Tom’s leg. Tom jumps up and screams “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!”

“Correct!” answers the priest. “And who is that God we have come to worship?”

Tom’s friend notices that Tom has again drifted off into a somber and stabs his leg with the pencil again. “JESUS CHRIST!!!” Tom shouts.

“Correct, my son,” replies the priest. The sermon continues and the priest begins to preach about man’s creation. Tom falls back to sleep as the priest asks his audience, “What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their seventh child?”

Tom’s friend immediately stabs Tom again;
“DAMNIT IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU!” Tom cries.

yo mama hair so nappy when she combs it sounds like a pack of fire crackers goin POP! POP! POP!
yo mama hair so nappy it look’s a Brillo pad.
yo mama hair so nappy when she gets hair cuts the naps just start bobbin’ and weavin’.
yo mama hair so nappy when she puts on a hat the hat screams.

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in gratitude asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”