Religious Jokes

A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”

Two stockbrokers went to lunch.

One looked at the other and said, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market or any kind of business at all.”

“Good idea, Sam. Let’s talk about women.”

“OK…common or preferred???”

Two nuns were walking down the alley. The first was fond of mathematics and the second one was fond of logic.

They noticed that a man was following them and it was obvious, that he had bad intentions. The first nun, being fond of math, told the other one: “If we continue walking at this pace, he will catch us in —– minutes.” But the second nun thought logically and said: “If we go in different directions, he will go after one of us and the other one will be saved”. So they separate and the man went after the second nun (logician). Some time later the second nun finally reached the monastery. And the first nun asked: “So what happened, where have you been all this time?”

The second nun started her story: - “Well, he caught me at the time that you predicted”,
- “So, what’s happened next?”
- “So, I lifted up my dress, he took down his trousers. And then, who do you think ran faster … the nun who lifted her dress or a man who took down his trousers?”

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, “Ma, I got married.”

Her mother said, “Oy, that’s great.”

The girl said, “But Ma, he’s an Arab.”

Her mother said, “Oy, that’s not so great.”

The girl said, “But Ma, he’s an Arab sheik. He’s wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives.”

Six months later the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, “Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he’ll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it’s like a silver dollar.”

Her mother said, “So for ninety cents you’re going to make trouble?”

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse, looking as though he’s just escaped a tornado.

“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could HE have beaten YOU?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes–any handicap he wanted. He said, “Just give me two ‘gotchas’.”

“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.

“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘GOTCHA!’”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “That scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said, “but still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “YOU try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!’”