Religious Jokes

Man approaches his buddy, who is looking awfully down:

“Hey, Jim,” he says. “Why are you so depressed?”

“Well,” Jim says, “about two months ago, my aunt passed away and left me $10,000.”

“Aw, that’s too bad, Jim,” his friend replied.

“Then last month, my father passed away and left me $20,000.”

“Jeez, two deaths in two months? That’s terrible!”

“And this month… nothing.”

George, spotting a nice-looking gal in a bar, goes up and starts small talk. Since she didn’t back off, he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said, warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said, looking directly into his eyes. “What’s YOUR name?”

“Beerf**k,” said George.

My girlfriend of about 3 years says she cant sleep with me because she’s a man.

Yeah right like I havent heard that one before.

Although it would explain those armpits. I always just thought she was russian.

A boy is sitting in class one morning when his teacher says to the class, “Okay kids, I’m going to say a letter of the alphebet, and you have to tell me a word that begins with that letter.”

“A” She says first, looks around at the hands and picks the boy, “Jimmy?”

“Ass!” The boy shouts.

“Jimmy, one more like that and I won’t pick you. Next, B” She looks around and Jimmy is the only one with his hand up. “Jimmy? Keep it clean.”

“Butt!” He yelled trying to get a reaction.

“Jimmy, you blew it, that’s the last time I’ll pick you.”

She moves down the alphabet, Jimmy with his hand up each time, with her not picking him at all. Untill she got to R, Jimmy was the only one with his hand up. So she thought to herself, there’s nothing that starts with R that’s rude. So she picked him. “Jimmy?”

“Rats.” The boy stood up and said, “Rats with big fucking cocks down to their ankles!”

Bill Gates died, and went to hell. As he got there, he was welcomed by the devil himself, who said, “Welcome, we’re going to give you three choices of rooms.”

The ex-billionaire agreed and Lucifer showed him the first choice. It was very decorated and had a gorgeous, and stunning woman with a bottle of wine, and also included an IBM PC, which was turned on and was Windows 98. Bill Gates didn’t even want to see the other two rooms, and asked for that one immediately. The devil agreed.

Right after that, one of the devil’s servants, very surprised asked, “But chief, this is not hell, how could he get such a fancy room like that?”

The devil answered, “You know the bottle of wine? Well it has a hole, and the woman doesn’t.” Then the servant asked about the computer.

He said, “It’s frozen,and it’s missing three keys. Control, alt, and del.”

By M. Diego and translated from portuguese to english by Brazilian Chick.