Religious Jokes

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, and as they had not been dating very long, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate… romantic but not too intimate.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Saks and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items, and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the gift-wrapped panties, into which the young man had included the following note before having them delivered to her.

Dearest Sweetheart:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had it not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy toremove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I asked her to try on yours for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as other hands will doubtlessly come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night and give me the exquisite pleasure of removing them.

All my love, Freddie

P.S. The latest style is to wear them rolled down with a little fur showing.

Your mamma’s so black she has to wear white gloves when she eats a Tootsie Roll so she doesn’t eat her fingers.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?

If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?”
“I’m four and a half.”
You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?”
“I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16, eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21….Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there.

You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70.

After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…
You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.

My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”
And it doesn’t end there….
Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”

Your Horoscope

AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: Feb. 19 – Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people you resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES: Mar. 21 – Apr. 19 You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

TAURUS: Apr. 20 – May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: May 21- Jun. 22 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: Jun. 21 – Jul. 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO: Jul. 23 – Aug. 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honesty criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: Sept. 23 – Oct. 21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you’re probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: Oct. 22 – Nov. 21 The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22 – Dec. 19 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN: Dec. 20 – Jan. 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Q: What did the cashier say to his girlfriend after she climaxed?

A: Thank you, cum again.