Religious Jokes

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

Little Johnny died and went to Heaven. He waited in a long line at the Pearly Gates until he was the only one left. St. Peter asked Little Johnny if he was ready to take the test for admittance into Heaven.

Little Johnny said, “Sure.”

“OK,” said St. Peter. “First question. How many seconds are there in a year?”

“Well, there are 12,” said Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with that?”

“Well, there is the second of January, the second of February….”

“OK, it’s not the answer I was expecting, but it’s right, nonetheless.”

“Now for the second question: How many days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“There are two days in the week that start witht he the letter ‘T,’ and they are ‘Today’ and ‘Tomorrow.’”

“OK, I’ll let that one pass, too.”

“Now for the last question: What is Jesus’ name?”

“Andy,” replied Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me….”

Long ago, when the Irish Sweepstakes was the big lottery game in the U.S., a Jewish gentleman won the sweepstakes and was overwhelmed, not so much with the amount of the winnings, but with the taxes he would have to pay.

So this gentleman, named Morrie, went to his tax advisor and was told the best thing he could do would be to go to Ireland, live there for a year, establish residence and collect the entire sum, tax-free.

Morrie took this advice, started up his own business and really began to like the people and the country. He asked around about what was the best way to become a citizen. He was told to get a recommendation from the Lord Mayor, himself. So he made an appointment and went in to see his Lordship.

“Good day to you, Sir,” says Morrie. “I won’t beat around the bush, Sir. I’ve come here for a recommendation so I can become a citizen of Ireland.”

The Mayor says, “I see here that your full name is Morrie Ginsburg, is that right?”

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“That’s a Jewish name, is it not?” asks the Mayor.

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“And you’ve been circumsised,” asks the Mayor?

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Ginsburg, but you can’t become an Irish citizen.”

“Why not?” says Morrie.

“Because you’ve been circumcised,” says the Mayor.

“Well, that the first time I ever heard anything like that! I knew you had to be one hundred percent Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus. I knew you had to be one hundred percent Protestant to be a Mason. But this is the first time I knew you had to be one hundred percent ‘prick’ to be an Irishman!”

Your mama so stupid she had a peephole put in a glass door.

While Debbie is having last-minute discussions with the caterer for her wedding reception, she takes her mother aside and asks her to buy a long lacy black negligee, and to pack it carefully in her suitcase for the honeymoon trip to follow.

Unfortunately, Mom has so many other arrangements to take care of that she forgets Debbie’s specific requests, buys a short pink nightie, and throws it into the suitcase.

Because Debbie and her bridegroom Donald have not been intimate, as they prepare for the wedding night in their hotel room Debbie takes her suitcase into the bathroom to change. Donald, also shy, is grateful.

Expecting to find her long black negligee, she finds only the crushed nightie in her suitcase. “Oh, NO!” she exclaims. “It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!!!”

“How can you see me through the door?” cries Donald.