Religious Jokes

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives.

Two fellows, who had been rivals all their lives, followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, and the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the airport.

The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, “OH, SKYCAP, FROM WHAT PIER IS THE FLIGHT TO DALLAS LEAVING?”

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, “Pier 7, Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition?”

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices.

A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time.

10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer’s time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.

The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst.

9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position.

8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn’t know why he’s not called Project Leader; that’s what he has on his resume.

7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders’ projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders’ projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders’ projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders’ projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.

6. Computer Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night.

5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing.

4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them.

3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year’s budget. Wants to finish last year’s appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.

2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch.

1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn’t have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn’t get benefits. He doesn’t get training. He doesn’t get respect.

But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours… and will be paid overtime for every one of them.

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuffed hat that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Confucius say:

“Virginity like bubble. One prick … all gone!”

“Man who run in front of car get tired.”

“Man who run behind car get exhausted.”

“Foolish man give wife Grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!”

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”

“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”

“Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”

“War does not determine who right. War determine who left.”

“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.”

“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”

“Man who tell one-to-many light bulb jokes soon burn out.”

“It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.”

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

“Man who sit on tack get point.”

“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.”

“He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.”

Two priests were done for the day and decided to head for the showers. When they got in they realized neither one had brought soap, so one of them says, “I’ll be alright to go out in the hall naked just to get some soap”, so out he goes and is on his way back with 2 bars of soap when 3 nuns come walking down the hall.

The priest froze and pretended he was a statue, with the bars of soap in each hand trying to cover himself up.
The first nun says, “Look at the statue!” and pulls his dick and the priest drops a bar of soap and she says, “Look I got a bar of soap.”

The second nun does exactly the same thing and she says, “I got a bar of soap also.”

The third nun steps up and pulls his dick and says, “Oh look I got hand soap”!!