Religious Jokes

A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about three hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the clubhouse, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

“Ed, how’d you shoot today?” to which the man would always reply, “Another perfect par.”

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day. But since he was a regular customer, he didn’t want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself.

On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally, putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.

The golf pro thought to himself, “I knew it! This guy’s been lying all this time. There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere NEAR par.”

They continued on, and the old man’s game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle — It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. “Hey, that was a great shot! Where are you going now?”

“Oh, I’m done,” the old man replied with a smile. “That shot was number 72 . . . another perfect par!”

Sister Margaret and Sister Catherine went for a walk late one afternoon. They lost track of the time and finally realized that if they didn’t hurry back to the convent, they would be late for evening prayers. It was getting dark and in order to save time, they decided to take a short cut through the park, even though they were aware of the dangers of being in the park at night.

They were hurrying through the park when all of a sudden, two men jumped out of the bushes, grabbed them, tore off their clothes and began to rape them.

Sister Margaret cried out, “Father, forgive him. He doesn’t know what he is doing.”

Sister Catherine cried out, “Mine does!”

This is the of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunkbeds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy, remembering that he little brother is sleeping below, tells his girlfriend to whisper “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. As they are getting into it, she moans, “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce!”

Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!”

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”

There are 3 Kindergarten girls: A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. Which has the biggest breasts?

The blonde. She is the one who is 21 years old.