Religious Jokes

The man was soliciting investors for a new type of tampon he was planning on marketing…

He assured all prospective buyers that the investment was risk free…

When asked how…the man replies there were “No Strings Attached…”

Three gang bangers are shot in an aborted holdup. While awaiting their fate to determine whether they are to go to Heaven or to Hell, they sneak out of the holding zone and arrive at the Pearly Gates where upon they are greeted by St. Peter.

“Check it out, bro,” says the lead gang banger to St. Peter. “Dis is where we belong.”

“I’m sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but I don’t see any of your names on the admittance list.”

“Say what?” says the gang banger. “Look closer and check out our rap sheet man,” demands the gang boss.

“I have,” said St. Peter. “You’ve raped, you’ve robbed, you’ve pillaged. There’s no way God would allow your kind here in heaven.”

“Bullshit,” says the gang banger. “I knows God and I’m sure that if you aksed him personally he’d see to it that we’d be welcome with open arms here in Heaven.”

“If you insist, I’ll go ask God,” replies St. Peter. “Just stay put and I’ll be right back.”

With that St. Peter knocks on God’s door and enters.

“Excuse me, Lord, but I’ve got three gang bang members waiting outside the Pearly Gates looking to get in to Heaven. They are insistent that you come down and talk to them,” said St. Peter. “Personally, there is no way their kind is welcome here in Heaven, but I told them I would at least ask you.”

“Judge no man by his outward self,” God responds. “I’ll go and see for myself whether they are worthy of life everafter here in paradise.”

With that God leaves and returns shortly thereafter.

“I went there and they were gone,” said God upon his return.

“The gang bangers were gone?” asked St. Peter.

“No, the Pearly Gates. They were gone!”

One of the teachers had a kindergartner that came up to her and said that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead.

“How do you know it’s dead?”

The boy said, “I pissed in its ear.”

The teacher said, “You WHAT?”

He said, “You know, I went to his ear and said, ‘PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So it must be dead.”

An Army private, filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course, was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?”

He thought for a moment, then wrote, “Since 1776.”

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

“Well, Ensign, it’s history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you’re valuable, BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you’re twice as valuable, so we give you two silver bars.”

“As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you’re obviously a star. That answer your question?”

“Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?”

“Now that goes waaaaaaaaay back in history–back to the Garden of Eden, actually. You see, we’ve always covered our pricks with leaves….”