Religious Jokes

Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

About your father…he has a lovely new job where he is over 500 men. He is cutting grass in the cemetery.

There is a washing machine in the house where we live now, but it ain’t working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them shirts since.

It only rained twice this week: Three days the first time and four the second time.

The coat that you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether its a boy or a girl so I can’t tell you if your an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Aunt Olga gave up the birth control pill when your Uncle John bought a condominium.

Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the Norska Brewery. Some of the fellow workers dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire.

On the other hand, your father hasn’t drank since Christmas…I put a pint of Castor Oil in his beer and it kept him going till New Years.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick up. One was driving, they other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Went to Doctor yesterday and your father went with me. Doc put a small tube in my mouth and said not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy the tube.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

Love,
Ma

PS I was going to send you $10.00 but had already sealed the envelope.

A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.”

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens.”

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.

Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works better.” He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going. “Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

What is God’s favorite food?

Swiss cheese … you know why? Because it’s holy.

A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

Do you know how to pass an elephant under the door?
Put him in an envelope…

What if it doesn’t fit?
Take off the seal…

How do you hide an elephant in an strawberry field?
Paint his nails red…

How do you make an elephant not pass by the door?
Make a knot in his tail…

How do you know that there is an elephant in the pool?
There is a round pair of shoes beside the pool…

How does an elephant leave the pool?
Wet…

What is the most sexual part of an elephant?
The feet, he fucks everything he steps on…

What is an elephant up in a tree?
One elephant less on land…

What are two elephants up in a tree?
Two elephants less on land?!?!
No… One more elephant up in a tree…

What are three elephants up in a tree?
Two less elephants on land or one more up in a tree?!?!
No… One less tree on the world.

What did the elephant say when he saw the giraffe going down the hill?
Look! Here comes the giraffe going down the hill…

What did the elephant say when he saw the giraffe going down the hill with sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize her…

How do you put 5 giraffes in a green and red beetle?
Two in the front and three in the back…

And how do you put 5 elephants in a green and red beetle?
First take the giraffes off, then you put two elephants in the front and three in the back…

How do you know there are 5 elephants in the Movies?
There is a green and red beetle in the Parking lot…
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SPECIAL “HOW TO KILL AN ELEPHANT”

How to kill a pink elephant?
With a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill an white elephant?
Strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a black elephant?
Scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a purple elephant?
Paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a green elephant?
Beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a brown elephant?
Put him in a boat so he gets sick and green, beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…

How to kill a blue elephant?
Throw him in the mud so he gets brown, put him in a boat so he gets sick and green, beat him up until he gets purple, paint him black, scare him to death until he gets white, strangle him until he gets pink, then kill him with a pink elephant shotgun…