Religious Jokes

There is a guy sitting at a bar. After a little bit, an alien walks in and sits next to him. The alien has a few drinks and leans over to the guy and touches him with his finger and says “zap.”

The guy ignores him the first couple of times. After a while though, he starts to get annoyed. First he asks the alien to stop, then starts demanding, then the guy threatens to pull the alien’s pants down in front of everybody.

The alien keeps on “zapping” him. So the guy turns around and pulls his pants down, where he discovers the alien doesn’t have a dick. The guy is pretty confused, so he asks the alien how he has sex if he doesn’t have a dick.

So the alien leans towards him, touches him, and says “zap.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in
Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it
out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

Looking for a place to sit down, a drunk wandered into a church during Sunday services just as the priest was asking, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation waved their hands in the air and responded, “I do, I do!” The drunk began to raise his hand, looked around, and then lowered his hand.

Later in his sermon, the priest asked again, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation again answered, “I do, I do!” Still, the drunk sat silently looking around.

The priest asked the drunk, “Don’t you want to go to Heaven?”

The guy replied, “I think I’m gonna go on the third trip ’cause the first two are already full.”

WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following
options:

Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
Press 4 for HEALING
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS
Press 6 for RAIN or NO RAIN
Press 7 for MIRACLES
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY “HI” Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse:

“I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.”

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer:
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55, then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs,please wait
until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”
To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically
transferred.
PLEASE be careful; your receiver may become warm.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday,after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).

To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.

For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son-of-a-bitch,” he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”

“Sorry, Sister,” he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son-of-a-bitch,” he yelled again.

“Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.”

“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”

“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something like ‘Sweet Jesus, help me.’”

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say “So…,” but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus, help me.”

At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, “Son-of-a-bitch!”