Religious Jokes

A thousand years ago in Rome a Christian man was being chased by a lion around an arena. The man cried out to God, “Dear God, please fill this lion with the spirit of Christianity.” Immediately the lion fell to his knees, and prayed, “For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful.”

By now, you’ve probably all seen the new “slogan” that’s gotten every preacher’s attention coast to coast:
WWJD, or What Would Jesus Do….

Contemplating that very question, here are some possibilities:

1. Call his Dad. Find out why Dad and Mom never got married.

2. Have dinner with eleven close friends and the one guy he just doesn’t like.

3. Get some sleep.

4. Hang around for a while and catch some sun.

5. Get up early on Sunday, even when he feels dead on his feet.

6. Spackle his hands and feet.

7. Open a winery. Save overhead by transforming water.

8. Work for Medicare. Save US economy by healing the sick.

9. See Titanic - everyone else on the planet has.

10. Remind Bill Gates who’s boss.

11. Agree to interview with Howard Stern…shave and go as Howard’s evil twin.

12. Answer the question we REALLY want to know: Did Monica swallow?

13. Collect back pay and benefits from the Vatican.

14. Ride around in the Popemobile.

15. Throw one helluva Christmas party.

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he’s not as good as the doctor ’cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, ’cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold ’cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go…I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I’m not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and sqealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead ’cause I saw Sis’ boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE’S NOT MOVING!!!”

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None. They just follow it around for 30 years thinking it’s still lit.

Q: How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 20. One to hold the bulb, and 19 to huff until the room spins.

Q: How many stoners does it take to tell a good joke?

A: Um… I forgot

Once there were 3 mice and they were talking about who is the toughest and who is the bravest.

The first mouse said, “Yesterday I fell into a bowl of rat poison. I swam through it and it didn’t even phase me a bit.”

The second mouse said, “The other day right in front of my hole was the biggest mouse trap I had ever seen. With the biggest cheese I’d ever seen. I took the cheese out and let the bar down slowly.”

The third mouse just sat there and said, “I’m bored, I think I’ll go fuck the cat again.”