Religious Jokes

There’s this guy who forgets his coat somewhere and forgot where. He goes to the store and finds out a replacement coat cost $250 bucks.

Astonished he goes to a church to sit and think what to do. He enters the church and hears the sermon going on.

As he passes the coat rack he sees a coat identical to his own. He plots to wait for the end of the sermon then to make off with the coat.

He sits and listens to the preacher. The preacher then starts to recite the ten commandments. After the sermon the man goes to the preacher and says thankyou I was about to commit a terrible sin.

I was plotting to steal a coat because I lost my own. Then I heard you recite the ten commandments and changed my mind. “Oh,” said the preacher you must have heard me say “thou shalt not steal.” “No,” says the man “I heard you say thou shalt not commit adultery and I remembered where my coat was.”

Pepito is at home doing his Math homework.

Pepito: “Two plus five the son of a b**** is seven. Three plus six the son of a b**** is nine”. In that moment, his mother comes in.
Mother: “But Pepito, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!”
Pepito: “I’m doing my Math homework, Mom”.
Mother: “And is that what your teacher taught you?”
Pepito: “Yes”

Next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Pepito’s school to talk to the teacher.
Mother: “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?
Teacher: “Oh, sure. We are learning addition problems.”
Mother: “And… are you teaching them to say two plus two the son of a b**** is four?”
Teacher:”Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”

This priest is rusing around the house looking for his white collar before church. While looking in the linen cupboard he finds this shoebox, when he opens it he finds 3 eggs and $100.

The next day he asks his wife what it was all about. She replies, “I didn’t want to tell you before because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

The priest starts wondering what it can possibly be that would hurt his feelings, and the wife continues, “You see since the day we married 25 years ago I’ve been putting an egg in this box for every bad sermon you’ve given.”

The priest thinks 3 eggs in 25 years, that’s not so bad, then asks “What’s the $100 for?” His wife replies, “Every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them to the neighbours for $1.”

Little Johnny asked his mother, “mam, is our new au pair girl a mechanical woman, you know, a robot?”

“Of course not, Johnny, why do you ask?”

“Well, I just heard Daddy telling the man next door that he’d like to screw her ass off.”

One day, this old man in the desert decides to buy a camel that didn’t have to drink every hour like his old one did. He then stops at the Market.

When he gets there and asks for a camel, one man instantly comes and offers him a camel that could drink 50 liters of water and wouldn’t be thirsty for a long time. But he says he wanted more.

Then this other man offers him one that drinks 60, and another that drinks 70, and so on until 120, then this guy says his camel drinks 2 tons of water three times a year. The old man asks him how.

Then the merchant tells him to hold the camels’ head under the water. He then takes two big bricks and bangs them together on the camel’s dick.