Religious Jokes

what did the banana say to its skin?

You a peel to me!

The young lady was nodding her head at what the psychiatrist was telling her, and said, “Yes, I see, Dr. Schmidt. At least, I see everything but one point. The one thing I’m hazy about is this phallic symbol you mentioned. What’s a phallic symbol?”

“A phallic symbol,” said the psychiatrist, “is anything that can be used to represent or symbolize a phallus.”

“But what’s a phallus, doctor?”

The psychiatrist said, “I think I can explain that most clearly by a demonstration.” He stood up, unzipped, and said, “This, my dear, is a phallus.”

“Oh,” said the girl, suddenly comprehending. “I see. You mean it’s like a prick, only smaller.”

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem — my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hat pin with you. I’ll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin.” In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.

Noticing this,the preacher put his plan to work. “…And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!” cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hat pin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hat pin. “Right again, Mr. Jones,” said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again.

She was just sticking her husband with the hat pin again when the minister asked, “…And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mr. Jones shrieked, “You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!”

The sermon was over.

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.

They’d heard the fishing was really good up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was nicely frozen over. They went to this bait shop to get the tackle they would need. One of them said, “Oh, and we’re gonna need an ice pick, too.”

So they got that and took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We need another dozen ice picks.”

The fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back and said, “We’re need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

1) Two blondes were driving to Disneyland, when they saw a sign that read, “Disneyland Left” so they turned around and went home.

2) How do you measure a blonde’s IQ?

With a tire gauge!

3) Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side!!

4)A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus and the Easter bunny were walking along when the saw a $100. Who got the money?

The dumb blonde because the other three don’t exist

5) Why do blondes write TGIF on thier shoes?

So they remember ‘Toes Go In First’

6) Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

They can’t get all that water in the little package.

7) How do you make a Blonde laugh on Jan. 1, 1999?

Tell her the joke on Jan. 1 1997!!