Religious Jokes

The teacher asked the students to bring an electrical appliance for “Show and Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy, “What did you bring?

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice, Wendy. And what did you bring, Kenny?”

“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener. It opens cans!”

“Well done, Kenny. But it seems that Johnny didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.” The whole class looks out into the hall.

The teacher said, “What is THAT?”

“It’s a heart/lung machine that they use in hospitals to keep your heart going!”

“And what did your father say about your bringing it to school?”

He just said, “AAAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHHH!!!”

A guy’s walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny
smoking a cigarette.
He says, “Kid, you’re too young to smoke.”
Johnny looks up and doesn’t say anything.
The guy says, “How old are you?”
Johnny says, “Six.”
The guy says, “Six? When did you start smoking?”
Johnny says, “Right after the first time I got laid.”
The guy says, “Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”
Johnny says, “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

Sick and tired of hearing all those nasty blonde jokes and of how all blondes are perceived to be dumb, this blonde is determined to show her husband that blondes are really smart. While her husband is off to work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 pm and smells the distinct smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and asks, “Jeez, are you all right?”

She slowly nods her head to signify that she is okay.

“What are you doing?” he asks incredulously.

“I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb,” she explains. “And I wanted to do it by painting the house.”

“Well, why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?” he asks dumbfounded.

“Well,” she says. “I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”

The day before John was to get married he confided in his father that he was scared and asked him his advice as to what he should do.

John’s father said, “Son, you must follow your heart as to what’s right but I will tell you this story of the last time I was scared.”

John’s father continued: “The year was 1969, I was a paratrouper in the 101st airborn. We were instructed to jump from ten thousand feet into a hostile enemy zone. As I watched the rest of the company jump from the plane, I became very scared. When it was my turn to jump I refused. The Sergeant looked right at me and told me to jump. Again I refused his order. This time the Sergeant said: ‘Private, if you don’t jump I’m gonna shove my big dick up your ass’ .”

Amazed at his father’s story John asked: “Did you jump?”

John’s father replied: “A little at first.”

A Church of England vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As they start to think about leaving, the priest offered them a whisky to help them on their way.

“Don’t mind if I do, thanks,” says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. “And yourself?” says the priest to the Methodist minister. “What? Drink alcohol?” says the minister aghast. “Why, I’d rather commit adultery!!” At this the vicar spits his whisky back into his glass: “Wahoa! … I never realized there was a choice …”