Religious Jokes

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, “How have things been going?”

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, “I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”

The first guy says in amazement “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”

The answer comes, ” y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r .a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he “was almost married”.

“W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i…t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o…r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s.c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”

“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.

” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s.”

A man walks into a supermarket in downtown L.A. and heads straight to the produce section. After looking at the heads of fresh lettuce on display, the customer approaches the store clerk and asks, “Excuse me. Can I buy half a head of lettuce?”

Shaking his head, the clerk says, “I’m sorry. But we sell those by the whole head.”

“But I don’t need a whole head, just half. C’mon surely you can accommodate my simple request,” insists the customer.

The clerk just sighs and says, “Okay, tell you what. I’ll go over to the supervisor there by the meat section and ask for his permission. You just wait here.”

So the clerk reluctantly goes to the meat section and says to the supervisor, “There’s this really persistent asshole who wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he turns around to point the insistent customer out to the supervisor, the clerk finds the customer has followed him to the meat section and is standing right behind him! Without missing a beat, the clerk continues, “And this genetleman here wants to buy the other half.”

Suppressing his desire to laugh, the supervisor just nods and says, “Fine with me.”

After the customer has left with the half a head of lettuce, the supervisor approaches the clerk and says laughingly, “Man, that was really quick thinking on your part.”

“We Filipinos are well-known for being quick thinkers,” says the clerk proudly.

“Really? I didn’t know you’re a Filipino. Were you born in the Philippines?” asks the supervisor with interest.

“Yep. Born and raised on the streets of Manila. Lived there for twenty years.”

“Is that so? Tell me, why did you come to L.A. then? Why did you leave the Philippines?”

Annoyed by the supervisor’s line of questioning, the clerk decides to make up a funny reason just to kid the supervisor. So he says in all seriousness, “Because the people there are either whores or basketball players.”

Although the clerk is just being a smart-ass, the supervisor takes the remark seriously and suddenly takes offense. With his face reddening, the supervisor says, “Hey! My wife is from the Philippines, too!”

“Oh really?” asks the clerk quickly. “Is she a point guard or a small forward?”

Stage 1: Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath–ewwww!”

Stage 2: Undressing

What he hopes you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

Stage 3: Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the altar of your impressive manhood for hours.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.”

Stage 4: Penetration

What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?”

Stage 5: Your Orgasm

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.”

What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!”

Stage 5: Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

Two crusty old war veterans, sitting in front of the fireplace at the retirement home: “Dave, it seems so long since I last made love to a woman. How long has it been for you?”

“Nineteen forty-five,” says Dave solemnly.

“Hell, that’s a long time!” exclaims, Jim.

“Not really,” says Dave, puzzled. “It’s only twenty-thirty now.”

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what’s a kiss?”

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description, and Adam then took Eve by the hand and led her behind a bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Lord, that was enjoyable.”

The Lord replied, “Yes, Adam, I thought you’d enjoy that, and now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

Adam said, “Lord what’s a ‘caress’?”

So the Lord gave Adam a brief description, and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss!”

The Lord said, “You’ve done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.”

Adam said, “Lord, what’s ‘make love’?”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds… Adam said, “Lord, what’s a headache?”