Religious Jokes

Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kid of just rests on top of the water. Jesus casually walks out on top of the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.

The, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one!

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, “Do you think your dad would teach me that shot?”

A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?”

“Everyday some new do gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident.

The problem is, we need accidents, and LOTS of them. Danger is natures way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents!

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are, devolving into half-witted mutants because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let’s do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking! Jay walk! Play with blasting caps! Swim right after a big meal! Stick something small in your ear! Watch an entire 5 days of the impeachment trial!

Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto.
Future generations will thank you.

One day a man was driving down the road & saw a pig with a wooden leg, so he stopped to see what was up.

So he knocked on the door & a lady answered.

He said, “Where did you get a pig with a wooden leg?”

The lady said, “Well, we got him from Czechoslavakia…

Anyway, soon after we got him, he was sniffing around, so we thought we would drill — $500,000 worth of royalties in oil.

A couple years later he was sniffing around again. So we drilled… Gas. $1,000,000 in royalties.

But what’s most important — a couple days ago there was a fire. Pig came in saved us all!”

The man said, “Yeah, I understand that, but what is with the wooden leg?”

The lady said, “A pig like that, you don’t eat all at once!!”

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week..

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, Sire, just observe,” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal -short arm- inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad”, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But… Sir Galahad was speechless.