Religious Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J. C.”

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Big Daddy,”
“Junior,” and “The Spook”.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not “kick the shit” out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say “he was stoned off his ass.”

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this
and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “BITE ME!”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks
for the grub, yay God!”

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a “peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy’s.”

Other than that, you did just fine.

There was once this man in heaven, he asked God what a million dollars meant to him. God replied, “A penny.”

Then, the man asked what a million years meant to God. God replied, “A second.”

Finally the man asked, “Can I have one of your pennies?”

And god replied, “Just a second.”

14. Got to Get You Off of My Wife

13. She Came In Through John’s Fragile Ego

12. She’s a Woman (Who Was a Man)

11. Can’t Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It by the Hour for 300 Big Ones)

10. Polyurethane Pam Anderson

9. Crackbird

8. Lucy In The Sky With Linus

7. Eleanor Furby

6. All You Need is Drugs

5. Nor-Region Woody

4. She Came in Through the White House Window

3. While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At Auction

2. I Wanna Hold You, Hans

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Unpublished Beatles Song…

1. Lay Me, Madonna

A man is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?” to which God replies, “So that you would find them attractive.”

Then the man asks: “God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?” To which God replies: “So that they would find you attractive!”

A priest and a nun were enjoying a ride through the Sahara desert when halfway through the journey their camel suddenly collapsed on the sand, lifeless.

“Now, we have no choice but to walk back,” said the priest.

About two miles into their walk the nun says, “Father, it’s extremely hot out here in the desert, would you mind if I removed my habit?”

To which the preist replies, “Of course not, my child, I’m sure that God would understand under this emergency situation.”

Two more miles into their return the priest, sweating profusely, says, “I, too, need to discard my clothes as its much too hot to continue.”

As he disrobes, the nun points to his penis and asks what it is. “That, my dear, is what’s known as the Staff of Life.”

“Why then, Father, didn’t you stick it in the fucking camel? We’d be home by now!”