Religious Jokes

A man rents a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There is only one camel available and it has one little problem, the camel owner tells him. Periodically, this camel will stop and refuse to move until somebody beats it off.

The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.

On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, and again.

Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says, “What do you want now?”

The camel puckers up his lips and makes little sucking noises.

Three men are the sole survivors of a shipwreck and become stranded on a desert island.

Several years after they land, a bottle washes up on the beach. The first man, an Englishman, grabs the bottle and rubs it - and out pops a genie.

“I am the genie of the lamp. I am allowed to grant 3 wishes. Because there are 3 of you, you are allowed 1 wish each.”

The Englishman thinks for a bit and says, “I’d like to be back in England watching a game of football with a good English Beer.”

The Genie waves his arm and

As they drove through the training area on their annual inspection, the proud Officer in Charge of the training base waved a hand toward the field and said to the General, “We are extremely proud of our camoflauge training, Sir. Our soldiers blend into the background, completely invisible to the enemy. As a matter of fact, there are over a hundred men hidden in this field and I’m sure even a veteran soldier like yourself cannot detect one . . .”

Just then a tree trunk wiggled, jerked around, fell down, rolled over, got up and ran across the field.

Flabbergasted, the major ordered the driver to follw the “tree.” When they had chased it over the fields and meadows, tackled it to the ground and stripped the bark, out popped an apologetic Private Pickleton.

“Soldier!” thundered the Officer. “Do you realize that you have not only disgraced the unit but also jeopardized the entire operation?”

“Ye…ye…ye…yes..ss..sir” stammered Pickleton. “I’m sss…ss…sorry..ss..ssir.

“You imbecile! Why did you move?”

Pickleton sighed, “Well sss…sir, I sat there motionless while two pigeons took a dump on my head. I sat there motionless when a bear scratched his back up against me. I sat there motionless, when a dog took a piss on my toes, but when those two squirrels ran up my pant leg and one said to the other, ‘Ooowee, lookit them fresh nuts! Wanna bite?’ I had to run!”

Q. Whats the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny’s pussy and sucking out thirteen.

Q. What’s the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don`t get blow jobs while they`re driving.

Q. What`s the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn`t hit the back of a girl’s throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. How can you tell if you have a bad overbite?
A. You eat pussy and it tastes like poop.

Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who’s been there before you.

If America Online was a city…

1) You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2) You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3) Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4) The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5) 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.

6) The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

7) The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us”.

9) Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

10) Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

11) You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

12) You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

13) The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

14) Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, “HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say, “No.” The voice then replies, “OK, I’LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW.”