Religious Jokes

One Halloween night, two African American children, who are brother and sister, put on their costumes and go out of the house for some trick or treat. At the first house they stop by, the boy rings the doorbell. After a few minutes, an old white woman opens the door and asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Hansel and Gretel!” says the boy.

“But you can’t be Hansel and Gretel. They’re white!” insists the old woman who promptly shuts the door on them. So the two siblings go back to the house and change their costumes. They return to the first house and ring the doorbell.

When the same old woman opens the door, she asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Romeo and Juliet!” says the girl.

“That can’t be. Romeo and Juliet are both white!” With that said, the old woman closes the door.

Though disappointed, the two siblings return home but this time they go out without any clothes on. They head straight for the first house and ring the door again.
This time, the same old woman is so surprised to see them naked that she blurts out, “What are you two this time? Adam and Eve?”

“No,” the boy answers, “Hershey bars. One with nuts, the other without.”

One day a boy came home from school with a problem. His dick was too big. He said to his mother, “Mom, my dick’s too big, what should I do?” She replied, “Ask your father about that.”

So, the boy entered the living room and said to his father, “Dad, my dick’s too big, what should I do?”

He answered, “Paint it red and call it your Little Red Mouse.”

The boy did as he was told and went to school the next day. Proud of his mouse, he let his dick hang out of his pants. His teacher noticed this and said, “What is that, young man?” He told her that it was his Little Red Mouse. The teacher then said, “Well, you and your Little Red Mouse are going to the Principal’s office.”

He walked towards the office, but stopped when he saw his girlfriend walking out of the bathroom. With a smile, she said, “What’s that?” He told her of his Little Red Mouse. To the boy’s surprise, his girlfriend lifted up her skirt and said, “Sick ‘em Pussy, sick ‘em!!!”

A farmer is sitting in a bar getting drunk.
The bartender walks up to him and says, “You know, I’ve seen some pretty sad faces in my time but yours takes the cake.”

“Some things you just can’t explain.” replied the farmer.
“Tell me about it.” said the bartender.
“Well,” the farmer began, “this morning I was out milking the cow. Just as the bucket was getting full, the cow knocked it over with her right leg.”

“Knocked the bucket over?” asked the bartender. “Well that doesn’t seem too bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”

“Well,” continued the farmer, “I tied her right leg to the post, sat down and started milking her again. Then, just as the bucket was getting full, she knocked the bucket over with her left leg.”

“Her left leg?” the bartender said skeptically.
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”
“Well,” continued the farmer, “I tied her left leg to the post, sat down and started milking her again. Well, just as the bucket was getting full, she knocked the bucket over with her tail.”

“Her tail?” the bartender said incredulously.
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what happened?”

“Well, I was all out of rope so I used my belt to tie her tail to the rafter. Unfortunately, with my belt off, my pants fell down around my ankles. Just then, my wife walked into the barn…”

A Meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the Meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice, wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”

The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks the Meshulach.

“Sir, I am positive,” replies the homeowner.

“But,” says the meshulach, “It says right here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish,” replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

“Look, Sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you SURE you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.

“For the last time, Sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, Alav Hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon, and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, Sir.”

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enslisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, Sir,” the airman replied, “just here to hook up your telephone.”