Religious Jokes

A man goes to a fancy steakhouse, one of the fanciest
in town, and orders the house special. The waiter brings the first course, soup, and the man notices the waiter’s thumb
in the soup. He is about to protest, but says nothing; after all, this was a fancy restaurant, one of the city’s best.

When the waiter brings the steak, our man sees his thumb on the steak. He speaks up to ask, “Why did you put your thumb in my soup and on my steak?”

“I have arthritis in my hands, and warm things alleviate the pain”, says the waiter.

Becoming angry, the man shouts, “Why don’t you shove that thumb up your ass?”

“I do that in the kitchen!”

Weddings: A Jewish father, Moishe, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak… “Father, I am going to marry!”

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Naghila… “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father.. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien,” replies the son. “She’s Catholic…”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok…as long as you’re happy….my blessings to you both,” replies Moishe. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlumeil and Chutzpah…

Schlumeil calls on his father the next evening, “Father…I too will be married soon!”

Again, Moishe breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises. “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son, “She’s Greek Orthodox…”

“Oy,” says Moishe…”But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, father…”

“Ok…then you too have my blessing,” intones Moishe. Dejected, Moishe goes to the Temple to pray.. “Please God…let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl …to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes….PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the Spring.”

“Her NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah.

Moishe is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Dr. Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No…” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moishe. “Must be Atty. Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah…no, father,” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?”

“Whoopi!” says Chutzpah.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but how’d they get into the lightbulb?

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife’s bedside table that said, “Wake me at six.”

An exasperated Mr. Smith woke at ten the next morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: “It’s six, you bum! Get out of bed!”

1. Every time someone calls for a price check, start gobbling like a turkey and run up and down the aisle you’re in until someone asks you what’s wrong. When this happens, walk away passively, cursing under your breath that people are so weird these days.

2. When greeted with a friendly “hello” from your bag-boy, reply, repeating loudly: “No, my name’s not Fred!” while spinning around violently for 30 seconds straight. Try to walk out of the store in a straight line.

3. Squeeze every melon you can see, pretending that each is your boss’s fat head. Squeeze hard. Yell at the melon if you wish.

4. Ask everyone you pass if they’ll take you for a ride in their shopping cart. Smile widely as you speak, and attempt to pop your eyeballs out of your head too.

5. Dance and sing made up lyrics to the ever-playing elevator music as you pick out your tomatoes.

6. Add: “what?” to the end of ALL your sentences.

7. Call everyone “Kimosabi”.

8. Wear your halloween costume. Go with friends, make sure that they are dressed in plain clothes. Speak in a loud voice and strut around.

9. Buy milk and a box of cereal. Go sit in the middle of the pet food aisle and eat it out of the box with your bare hands.

10. Set up a bowling lane with ketchup bottles as pins, chuck grapefruits down the aisle. Watch the store manager’s neck vein pop.

11. Run through the aisles with a pasta strainer on your head, screaming: “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

12. Shoplift cantaloupes, two at a time, hiding them under your shirt. Drop them on the ground right outside the door, turn around, go back in, and take your next two…

13. Pretend that you are ambushing the enemy, and throw fruit at everyone that walks by, slyly hiding behind contest displays.

14. Grab handfuls of uncooked rice from the bulk food bins, and throw it at other customers, yelling: “Congratulations! Congratulations! Happy Honeymoon!” and wipe your eyes sadly.

15. Pick up a giant sausage, and have a mock sword-fight with it. Your opponent: the giant cardboard cutout of Ed MacMahon.

16. Poke the people serving food samples with a stick of french bread. When they turn around to ask you to stop, chase them around the store, waving the bread over your head at them.

17. Throw boxes of frozen TV dinners on the floor and ceremonially cover them in Cheeze Whiz sauce until you are forcefully ejected from the store.

18. Jump on the top of the orange stand and begin a strip dance using the oranges for props.

19. Buy 300 packs of chewing gum and one cantaloupe. Eat the cantaloupe whole (without peeling it) as you wait in line to make your purchase.

20. Try to balance as many packages of bacon as possible on your head. Wear a tutu and talk to the bacon. “Jetté! Jetté damn you!”