True Stories Jokes

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

5.. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

16. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store, waving their guns. “Nobody moves!” one of the robbers ordered. The second robber then moved - and the first shot him in the head.

A Turkish farmer was taken to the hospital with severe stomach pains. The doctor then discovered that he had ingested pesticide. The Doctor however noticed that it was in too small an amount to be suicidal. So he asked the Farmer why he did so. The farmer had a good reason. He had accidentally swallowed a fly. “I wanted to kill it before it reproduced in me.”

A man was out hunting in Arizona when he accidentally shot himself in the leg. Keeping his head about him, he realized that the best way to get help to alert other hunters in the area - so he fired his gun again to attract attention. Unfortunately, he shot himself in the other leg.

A man in the Amazon forest was fishing in the river. His lure snagged on a branch. As he yanked his lure, it came loose and hit a hive of bees. He ran and ran and tried to escape the bees. But the bees still followed him. So he jumped into the river. Where he was promptly eaten by piranhas.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one withincity limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuriesand back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with theshredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “liedetector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo: During the final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.” With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “(Expletive) you.” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too.” The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. How much total cash did he get from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

Poacher Maino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock–and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300mph into the side of a desert cliff.