True Stories Jokes

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked “If I understand, you’re saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar? “That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class… and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic… Totally straight-faced he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat.”

(This is a true story from the newspaper The Cape Times, South Africa)

“For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning,” a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. “There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air condidtioning system, and search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths…

“It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient’s life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher”.

“We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed.” (Cape Times).

The headline of the newspaper story was, “Cleaner Polishes Off Patients”.

1. Aussie hair products are produced in Minnesota.
2. Most Foster’s Beer found in North Americas is brewed in Canada.
3. The Subaru Outback is produced in Lafayette, Indiana.
4. You can find an Outback Steakhouse in at least 10 countries. Australia is not one of them.

If 99.9% is good enough then…
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers

Two planes landed at Chicago’s O’Hare airport will be unsafe every day.

315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly

3056 copies of tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections

A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

Police arrested Charles Brown, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbelton, in the pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM Friday.

Charles will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the county court house on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing the pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was nobody around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t, he stated in the phone interview from the county jail.

Brown went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.

“I guess I was just really in to it, you know?” he commented with evident emberrassment.

In the process, Brown apparently fail to notice the Wimbleton Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure”, said officer Taylor. “I walked up (to Brown ) and he’s….. just working away at this pumpkin:.

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Brown. “I just went up and said, `Excuse me sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin? ‘

He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Damm…….is it midnight already?? “