True Stories Jokes

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm one Friday.

Davidson was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least, I thought there wasn’t,” he stated, in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”.

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented, with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching, and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.

“I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me Sir, but do you realize that you are doing it with a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight, already?’”

The following are direct quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient has a past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

She is numb from her toes down.

Since she can’t pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

Her skin was moist and dry.

Patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her pussy” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. “I followed all the instructions to the letter,” she told her doctor, “and used it with the jelly.” When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied “Grape.”

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s rectum was removed….along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

“I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “No, Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

We will FIGHT for peace!