True Stories Jokes

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.

Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping.

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of
Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.

By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons on board and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.

She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water.

The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.

A masterful forger, this guy definitely was not.

News of the Weird reports that in March 1996, 18-year-old dock worker at Roadway Express in Dallas was arrested at a local Western Union and charged with forgery after improperly trying to cash a check made out to his employer.
The man produced a photo ID that gave his name as Mr. Roadway V. Express.

After questioning him, the Western Union manager said, “OK, Mr. Express, I’ll be right back (with the money)” and then called police.

Q: What walks on four legs, then two legs, and then three?

A: A man. (He crawls as a baby, then walks on two legs, then three when he needs a cane.)

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)interview
between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?”

GENERAL REINWALD: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.”

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! that’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see how; we will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

GENERAL REINWALD: “Well, you’re ‘equipped’ to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A True Remarkable Occurrence:

Two gangsters, James Gallo and Joe Conigliaro, set about to murder a stool pigeon, Vinny Ensulo, alias Vinnie Ba Ba, alias Vincent Ennsie.

On November 1, 1973 they jumped him on Columbia Street, Brooklyn, and took him for a ride. Gallo pointed a gun at his head from the right, and Conigliaro covered him from the left. The car swerved violently. The two gangsters shot each other.

The New York Daily News described the sequel: “Concigliaro, hit in the spine, was paralyzed. Every year after that Vinny Ensulo sent wheelchair batteries to Conigliaro. A small card with the batteries always said, ‘Keep rolling, from your best pal, Vinny Ba Ba.’”