True Stories Jokes

This might prove that Bill Gates has a sense of humor.

1. Open a new Word (for Windows 95 ver 7.0) document.
2. Type in “I’d like to see you naked” without the quotes.
3. Highlight it and look it up in the Thesaurus.
4. Enjoy

I work at a pharmacy in Alabama. The following are actual encounters I have had:

1.A woman comes in wanting to know why her spermacidal jelly did not work and she ended up pregnant. When we asked how she was using it she replied, “I have eaten the jelly on my toast every morning for the last month!”

2.Another woman came in complaining that she was pregnant. We looked on her profile and noticed she had been getting birth control pills for the last 3 months. When we asked her if she had been taking them regularly she replied, “The pills made me nauseated so I let my husband take them.”

3.The next birth control problem we had come in the store was because a woman had been vaginally inserting the tablets.

4.A lady picks up Amoxil Suspension (a liquid antibiotic) for her son’s ear infection. She came back complaining that his ear infection was worse even though she had poured exactly 1 teaspoonful 3 times a day into his ear.

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up…

…And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old Manassas, Virginia boy received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.” And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy.

Some Days, It Just Doesn’t Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps…
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”

And for the Main Course…
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

…The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

…Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts; ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars…

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody…

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Seen on the wall in a men’s bathroom:

What are you lookin’ up here for?
The joke’s in your hand.

Did you know that..

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white.

The names of all the continents start with the same letter that they end with.

If the population of China walked past you in single file the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.

If you fart without cease for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don’t have brains.