Wedding Jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.

“You`d better believe there is a difference, your Honor. That`s why I want the divorce!” he replied.

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

“Well, I would have been released tonight.”

An elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife, Mary, was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, Mary suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

“Why?” he faintly whispered, “Why did you do that?”

“They’re for the funeral,” Mary replied.

My friend’s daughter is four years old, and has a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. Thinking visual images would help, my friend got out their wedding album and explained the entire service to her.

Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she replied, “Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?”

A man was walking through the park when he noticed a woman crying her heart out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Schultz is dead! Schultz is dead! Boo hoo hoo!” the woman sobbed.

Since he did not know who Schultz was, the man moved on. Then he came upon another woman crying.

“Schultz is dead!” wailed this woman. The man just went on his way.

Along the way, he met another woman crying. Then another. And another. And another. All of them were saying the same thing, “Schultz is dead!”

Then he came upon a sight which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of crying women crowded around a derailed street car which had apparently been involved in an accident. All of the women were wailing, “Schultz is dead! Schultz is dead!”

He went nearer the accident scene and there he saw the street car had run over a man who had literally been torn to pieces.. All that was left of the accident victim that the man could see was his right arm, left hand, legs and his penis.

Well, the man was so startled by what he saw that he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife, “Hey, Honey. I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Main Street, a street car had ran over a man and cut off his penis. I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!”

“Oh no! Schultz is dead! Schultz is dead!” his wife burst out crying.