Wedding Jokes

A man walked into a bar and asked for a drink. He drank the drink and pulled something out of his pocket. He put the thing back into his pocket and asked for another drink. The bartender gave the man a drink. He drank it then pulled the thing out of his pocket and looked at it again. He put the thing back in his pocket and asked for another drink. The bartender said, “Not until you tell me what you keep looking at.”

The man said, “A picture of my wife”.

The bartender asked, “Why”?

The man said, “Because the drunker I get, the better she looks!!!!!”

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he is to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man receives a telegram:
“The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up, yesterday…”

A country lad applied for a salesman job at a city department store. In fact, it was the largest store in the world. The boss asked, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said. “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come by when we close to see how you’re doing.”

The day was long and arduous for the lad, but finally 5 o’clock came. The boss arrived and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One,” said the young man.
“Only one?” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20-30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Three-hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well”, said the lad, “this man came in and I sold him a small fishing hook, and then a medium fishing hook, and finally a really large fishing hook. Then, I sold him a fine fishing line, a medium one and then a huge big fishing line. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. Then I said he’d probably need a boat, so I took him over to the boat dept. and sold him that 20 foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said he wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car dept. and sold him the deluxe cruiser.”

The boss took 2 steps back and asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishing hook?”

“No, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing!’”

“I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.”

“Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.”

“My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.”

“I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.”

“They just opened a great singles bar on my block.”

“I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.”

“I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.”

“What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?”

“We really want to, but my lover’s husband just won’t go for it.”

“I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.”

“Why aren’t you thin?”

“I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.”

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him, she asks, “What happened to you?”

“I got into a fight with the apartment manager.”

“Whatever for?”

“He claimed he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!”

“Hmmmm. I bet it’s that snooty Mrs. Brown on the third floor.”