Wedding Jokes

A man is in a grocery store, just strolling around. And after a few minutes a clerk sees him and goes to ask if he can give him any assistance.

The man replies, “No thanks, I’m just here to buy some tampons for my wife…”

So the clerk leaves him alone and returns to his till. A while later the same man walks up to the till carrying a big bag of cotton, and some string. So the clerk asks, “Wern’t you here to buy your wife some tampons?”

And man looks as him and says, “Well, last week the bitch made me roll my own cigarettes!”

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they begin to get ready for bed but the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife in the bathroom, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.” As the woman crosses her room to the husband, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?” The women picks herself up and gets into the bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out to get a glass of water. As she is crossing the room, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after a series of test
in a hospital.

His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered
open and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband
woke up again and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to beautiful?” asked the wife.

“The drugs are wearing off,” the husband replied.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand:
The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”