Wedding Jokes

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, “Like to come home with me, buddy?”

“For how much?” asks the man.

“One hundred dollars.”

“I’ll give you five bucks.”

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man’s wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round a corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, “You see? You see what you get for five bucks?”

A guy brought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”

Joe and Marion had been married 50 years and were celebrating with a champagne breakfast.

Joe looks across the table at Marion with a gleam in his eye and says “Do you remember what we did at our first breakfast after we were married?”

Marion smiles and says “Well, I think we didn’t even put our nightclothes back on after our honeymoon night. If I remember right, we had breakfast together stark naked.”

“How about we do that right now?” says Joe, and he takes off his pajamas and Marion slips off her nightgown.

Marion gazes across the table at her husband and says “Ya know, Joe, my nipples get as hot lookin’ at you today as they did fifty years ago.”

“I ain’t surprised”, smiles Joe. “You got one in your coffee and one in your oatmeal.”

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”

“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.

“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.

“That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, ‘It’s too big, it’s too big!’”

Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this difference of opinion for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love our third child as if it were your own.”