Wedding Jokes

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs—without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. “I know,” he said, “how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.”

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, “Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!”

“No,” shrieked the head, “Not another hat!”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all, no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

The little old man rubs the lamp and the genie appears. The little old man unrolls a map and says “see this map? It’s the Middle East. My wish is that all the people in all the countries on this map could live in peace forever.”

The genie says, “No way can I do that. It’s too much for me. You got another wish?”

The little old man says, “Well, in that case maybe you could fix it so my wife Sadie maybe once in a while she could give me a blow job.”

The genie says, “Lemme see that map again.”

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife–Cold as Ever!’”

“Yeah? Well, when you die, I’m getting YOU a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff at Last!’”

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife.

As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s worse than that,” confided the second man, “I crashed
my wife’s computer hard drive.”