Wedding Jokes

A lady went to the doctor’s office for her regular scheduled pap exam. The doctor noticed that she had a tattoo of a
Santa Claus on her inside right thigh, but said nothing even though he was curios.

The following year the same lady came for her scheduled check up again and then this time the doctor noticed another tattoo of a Turkey on her inside left thigh.

The curiosity was too much, so he asked her, “Tell me, young lady, what do these tattoos on your thighs represent?”

“Well,” she explained, “My husband is always complaining that he never gets nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving, so there!”

At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“Sheerer than that.”
“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!” he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

She goes upstairs and opens the box. Seeing the price tag, she thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.” So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”

Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they’ve run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth
night, as they’re having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend.

“Look, we’ve been having a pretty good time up here,
but let’s face it…after four days together we’ve run out of things to talk about.”

He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they
should seperate for the day and hike off in opposite
directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they’d seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss.

So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions.

The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head. Butterflys are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he’d ever seen.

Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready.

As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. “Fantastic!” he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc.

His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed.

“So tell me about YOUR day now”, he prompted.

“Well”, began his friend, “I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk.”

By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement.

“Wow, that’s incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So…did you get a blow job too?” he asked.

“Nahh,” replied his friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five
dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

A minister was planning a short wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down to be married before the congregation.

For the life of him, though, he couldn’t think of the names of those two people!

“Will those wanting to get married please come down to the front at this time?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.