Wedding Jokes

Albert goes to a doctor and says: “Doctor, my wife has recently lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?”

The doctor replies, “Try coming home at three in the morning!”

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached around, and squeezed her left tit.

“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

Bo, lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned and said, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung onto the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!!”

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very
tired after a long day’s trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, “Fancy meeting my ‘wife’
here. I’ll need a double room for the night.”

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the
amount to be over $3000.

“What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve
only been here for one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your ‘wife’ has been here for
three weeks!”

A new blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, Mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf, and he yelled at about the price.”

“Well, that surely is being miserly,” the mother agreed. “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, Mother, it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll. It was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket?…What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well, Mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back, and it said ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”