Wedding Jokes

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

This thoroughly modern young couple, more than slightly hung over from last night’s party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast. What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred.

“Darling,” said the husband, “this is … er … slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it YOU I made love to in the library last night?”

His wife looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, “About what time?”

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule at 2 a.m.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, Dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, Honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”

“Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feedings?”

“No. I always did that.”

“That must have been before Women’s Liberation.”

“No, it was before we had baby bottles.”