Wedding Jokes

Feeling a bit paranoid, a rich businessman decided to test the fidelity of his wife and his mistress by putting them both on the same cruise ship vacation in the Caribbean. He booked two adjacent rooms for the two women and then begged off from accompanying them because of business concerns. Once the cruise trip ended, he would question his wife and his mistress separately on each other’s behavior during the cruise without letting on about their relationship with him.

When his wife returned from the cruise trip, the rich businessman began to ask her questions about the people on the cruise in general and then subtly asked questions about the woman in the cabin next to her. Although she never knew that the woman in the adjacent cabin was her husband’s mistress, the wife commented, “She’s a slut! She flirts with every man, single or married. Every night she had a different man spending the night with her for the entire cruise.” Upon hearing this, the rich man was crestfallen but he did not let on that he knew the woman his wife was criticizing.

The next day, he paid his mistress a visit and asked her general questions about the cruise and the people on the cruise. He then asked her subtly about the woman who was in the cabin next to hers. Though she did not know that the woman was her lover’s wife, the mistress gushed, “She’s every inch of a proper lady.” Hearing this, the rich man felt some consolation and asked, “How so?”

“Well, she was very cordial and gracious with the people on the cruise even though she and her husband spent the entire cruise mostly in their cabin.”

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight.
He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her thing around the house.

All of a sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses…the expensive ones…from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, “Oh SHIT!”

The delivery guy says, “What’s a matter lady? You don’t like roses?”

She replies, “Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???”

He says, “No, Lady, what does this mean?”

She answers, “It means for the next seven days I’ll be laying on my back with my legs spread in the air.”

He replies, “Geez, Lady, don’t you have a vase???”

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he struggled to find appropriate words and said, “I know this must be a very hard time, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell–the nut has already gone to Heaven.”

“Ohhh, then you DID know my Henry!” she replied.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years? she asks.

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

Maria just got married. Her hubbie came home and took off his work gloves. Maria phoned her mother. “Mother, my husband’s got hairy hands!” “Don’t worry Maria, all good men have hairy hands.The same thing happened, but only he took his top off. Her mother said exactly the same thing. Then, he took off his shoes and Maria realised his one foot was only half a one. She phoned her mother. “Ma ma, ma ma, my hubbie’s got a foot and a half.” Her mother took it the wrong way and said, “I’m on my way Maria, this is a job for your Ma ma!”