Wedding Jokes

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversation with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, “Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation.”

“So I can well imagine,” said his wife icily, “but was it your profession, or hers?”

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won’t either.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

I love to give homemade gifts . . . which one of my kids do you want?

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” said the drunk with a hiccup, “I got in the backseat by mistake.”

One day a woman went to her doctor for her physical. After all of the routine checks and ‘female’ exam, she was given great results.

Very happy and excited, she went home to meet her husband. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Wonderful,” she said, “the doctor said I have a tight package.”

“Did he say anything about your BIG ASS?”

“Nope, he didn’t mention YOUR name the whole time I was there!!”

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert
himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready
for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, “I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Was I already here?”