Wedding Jokes

While playing poker with his buddies at the home of his friend Eddie one Sunday evening, Dan happened to drop a dollar bill to the floor. As he bent down to pick up the dollar bill under the poker table, he happened to look directly at the shapely legs of Eddie’s wife, Mona, who was seated on a chair near the poker table. Sensing that Dan was staring at her legs, Mona slyly parted her legs revealing that she was not wearing any underwear at all! A surprised Dan quickly got up and excused himself to get a drink from the kitchen. Mona also got up and followed Dan into the kitchen.

When the two of them were alone in the kitchen, Mona made her move. “You know, Dan, I’ve always wondered how great you might be in the sack.”

“Me too,” Dan blurted out. “I mean, making love to you, of course.”

“Well if you want to find out, come back here tomorrow afternoon at four and bring a thousand bucks.” said Mona seductively. “Don’t worry, I’m worth every cent of it. You won’t regret it.”

Dan just nodded as he returned to the poker game.

The next afternoon at exactly four o’clock, Dan was knocking at the door and Mona opened it quickly. She said, “I knew you couldn’t resist me! Got the thousand bucks?” Dan waved a wad of greenbucks and Mona smiled as she counted the bills greedily and pocketed the money, “C’mon loverboy! Let the games begin!” And they proceeded to have great hot sex in the bedroom. After they were through, Dan got up to get dressed and he thanked Mona for the good time before leaving.

A few minutes after Dan left, Eddie came home from work. He asked his wife, “Hey Mona! Did Dan come by the house this afternoon?”

Mona was so surprised that she blurted out, “Why, yes, he was here! What did he tell you?”

“He told me that he’s gonna give you a thousand bucks.”

“W-w-well, he d-d-did..” stammered Mona.

“Well good! That’s what he promised to do when he borrowed that thousand bucks from me last night!”

“You’re in incredibly fine condition,” the doctor concluded, after finishing a thorough physical exam. “How old did you say you were, Sir?”

“Seventy-eight.”

“Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What’s your secret?”

“I guess, Doc, it’s due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she’d stay in the kitchen ’til she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry, I’d keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down.”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “How could that help you stay so fit?”

“Well, the patient explained, “I guess you could say I’ve lived an outdoor life.”

This guy comes home from work and runs up the stairs yelling honey pack your bags i just hit the lotto.

She’s all excited and says well should i pack for the ocean or should i pack for the mountains?

He says i dont give a shit just pack your bags and get the fuck out.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.” That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.

He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?”

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.”

WIFE: Look at these old clothes I have to wear. If people came to visit, they would think I was the cook!

HUSBAND: Well, they’d change their minds if they stayed for dinner.