Wedding Jokes

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting for each soul that enters. It was a slow day, but finally, someone arrives at the gates. Peter looks the guy over and asks, “How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?”

The guy looks proudly at Peter and says, “In all the 25 years I was married, I never once cheated on my wife.” Peter smiles and says, “Because of that, you get to ride around Heaven in a Mercedes.” The car appears suddenly and the man gets in and drives off.

A second guy arrives at the gates, and Peter asks him, “How long were you married to your wife and how many times did you cheat on her?” The second guy looks down and says, “10 years, and 2 times.” Peter frowns a bit and replies, “For that, you will ride around Heaven in a Taurus.” The car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

The third man arrives in Heaven and Peter asks,”How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat on her?” The third guy replies, “5 years, and 6 times.” Peter says, “You get a Honda to drive around in Heaven then.” And the car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

Just as the third guy gets inside Heaven, the car stalls and won’t start. He gets out to see what was wrong, when he sees the first guy sitting at the side of the road, crying.

The third guy asks, “What’s wrong? Car trouble?”

The first guy answers, “No, I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.”

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, “What’s the problem, Officer?”

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.”

Man: “No Sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”

Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s been drinking!!!”

A young couple has been married five years but Debbie has been unable to get pregnant. Then, having missed her menstrual period for a second consecutive month, she visits her doctor who examines her and gives her the good news. “Congratualtions, Debbie,” he smiles, “You’re going to have a baby.”

On the bus going home, Debbie is so happy that she is bursting to tell somebody. She glances at the friendly-looking man sitting beside her and says “Excuse me, sir, but I just received the best news of my life. I’m going to have a baby.”

“Congratulations”, he replies. “I have a little good news myself. I’m a farmer and my hens were laying eggs but. I wasn’t getting any chicks. But I solved that problem and now I have plenty.”

“Oh, that’s nice” says Debbie, “How did you do it?”

“I put a new cock in there.”

“Gee,” smiles Debbie, “What a coincidence.”

A nervous man with a heart condition, accompanied by his nagging wife, was being examined by a doctor.

After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a super powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, “How often do I take these?”

“Once every six hours. But they’re not for you,” replied the doctor. “They’re for your wife.”

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?” The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth.”

“Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” The woman was shocked but said, “I am very
disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”

To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”