Wedding Jokes

One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Bill. What happened to her?
“My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill then asked him who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog? ”

To which the man replied, “Get in line. “

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely.”

“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife is hard of hearing.

The doctor suggests that he bring her in for an examination, but the man says she won’t come in. Man asks the doctor if there is something he can do. The doctor tells him to go home, and say something to his wife from far away, then keep moving closer until she hears him. When he discovers how close he needs to be for his wife to hear him, he’s to measure the distance, and then the doctor will see what he can recommend.

The man goes home and at the front door calls out “Hi, Honey, What’s for dinner?”
…His wife does not respond.

He goes into the living room, and calls out
“Hi, Honey, What’s for dinner?”
….His wife does not respond.

He goes into the kitchen and calls out
“Hi, Honey, What’s for dinner?”
…His wife does not respond.

He walks right up beside her and says
“Hi, Honey, What’s for dinner?”

His wife turns around and says “I’ve told you three times already - we’re having chicken!”

A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!”

With that, she flipped her panties to him and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecaps. “Hell, he said, “I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until your damn attitude changes!”

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

“All right, children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”