Wedding Jokes

A father put his young son to bed every night, and to make sure he said his prayers, the father waited outside the bedroom door and listened. Each night the boy ended his prayers with “God bless mommy, daddy, the dog and the cat.”

One day the cat scratched the little boy and that night he finished his prayers, “God bless mommy, daddy and the dog.”

The next morning when the family awoke they found the cat dead.

A few days later the dog bit the little boy. That night he ended his prayers, “God bless mommy and daddy.”

The next morning when the family awoke, they found the dog dead.

Several days later the boy got in trouble at school and his dad chewed him out and grounded him for a week.

That night as his dad listened outside the door the boy finished his prayers, “God bless mommy.”

The father was really concerned in light of what had happened to the cat and dog. He decided to sit up all night in the living room with the lights on so nothing would happen to him.

As the family began to stir the next morning, the father much relieved went to the door to get the milk.

There on the porch he found the milkman, dead.

A young man said to his girlfriend’s father, “I realize that this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?”

“Who says it’s ONLY A FORMALITY?” asked the father angrily.

“Her obstetrician!” replied the young man.

This couple had been married for about five years, and one day, as they are out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, “Man! Your butt is getting fat!”

She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The husband follows her and says, “You know, looking at that big gas grill over there, I’ll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It’s HUGE!”

The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard by himself and goes inside. The husband then finds a yard stick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, “Yup, they are both the same size.” The wife is livid!! She doesn’t speak to him the rest of the day.

When the husband comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, “Hey, honey, how ’bout it?” She pulls back and says, “You’re crazy if you think I’m firing up this big gas grill for one little weenie!”

Cohen’s wife Zelda was a real shrew, a nag, a whiner, who made his life a hell on earth. When she died suddenly while screaming at him one morning, he nearly wept with joy.

At the funeral, they were carrying her casket to the grave when one of the pallbearers tripped on a big rock, and like dominoes, tripped all the other pallbearers. The casket went careening down the hill where the lid flew open as it crashed into a tree. Zelda sat up and began screaming at poor Cohen. She lived another ten years, making Cohen’s life even more miserable than before.

Finally, after another day of screaming at Cohen, she suddenly dropped dead again. As the pallbearers were carrying her casket to the grave, Cohen yelled, “WATCH OUT FOR THE BIG ROCK”.

A boy and his stepdad get into an argument. The boy says, “You’re not my father!”

The stepdad says, “But I’m sleepin’ with your mother.”

The boy says, “Who’s not?”

The stepdad snaps back, “Your real father!”

The boy retorts. “Guess again!”