Good advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

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IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife/S.O. enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest B&Q Depot where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that’s right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer.

Here’s a common example:
“DO I LOOK FAT?”
There is no answer to this question that won’t be interpreted as “yes”. “No” means yes. “Yes” means yes. “I don’t know” means yes. “It doesn’t matter” means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn’t work, but all the other options are worse. There are several other questions for which “no” is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:
- JUST SAY NO!
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?

- JUST SAY YES!
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
- “WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?”

Typically you’re already late for dinner when your wife/S.O. confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It’s a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, “Whichever, you old trout!” If you pick the shoes she already has on, she’ll think you’re trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she’ll think it’s because you know you can’t pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, not offered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, “You’re fat.” This raises the question of why she’s asking you at all. She knows you don’t know which shoes look better, and she knows you don’t care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive “beats me” should do the trick, but don’t try that with the shoe dilemma, or you’ll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don’t raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

- “WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?”
This could be described as an essay question, since you’re obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as “forward” or “upstairs” or “I dunno”. Another problem is that you and your wife/S.O. are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?
HER: Do you think she’s attractive?
YOU: Who?
HER: Will you marry me?
YOU: Where am I?

HER: What if I was pregnant?
YOU: Are you pregnant?
HER: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We’re in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming.
Try a more surreal approach:
HER: What if I was pregnant?
YOU: What if I was pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What’s love got do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let’s try something easier.
“NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?” Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: “Have you forgotten what today is?” and “Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they’re the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context:
HER: Notice anything different about me?
YOU: New apron?
HER: Have you forgotten what today is?
YOU: Of course not. It’s Thursday.
HER: Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?
YOU: That’s nice, dear…

Funny, huh? Well, it’s not your fault if she doesn’t get it. If she wants a better answer, she’s going to have to start asking better questions.
Questions such as:
- “HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?”
This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for “Who do you think you are?”, are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn’t have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You’re not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You’re just supposed to apologize for your wanton self-esteem-having.

Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend/husband - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

- “DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?”
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn’t pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes.
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He’s hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends.
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

YOU SAY - Why do you ask?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - creeps!

YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

There are several more variations, but they’re not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you’re already in deep trouble. It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you don’t blush when you answer. Let’s look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.

- “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
She means, “You were looking at that girl, weren’t you?” And you thought you’d perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you’ve found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked “What are you looking at?”

TOO SPECIFIC: “The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of the letterbox”.
NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: “That thing.”
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: “A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you”.
TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: “A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you.”
TOO OBVIOUS: “Nothing.”
WAY TOO OBVIOUS: “That blonde bird over there with the big… I mean… nothing.”

Here’s one that requires a little interpretation.
- “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?”
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious “we” in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, “we” clearly means “you” - as in, “What are you going to do now”; but there is also a sense of “we’re in this together” implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she’s just dropped her keys down a drain, or that she stores her jack and spare tyre in her garage so they won’t get stolen.

In such situations you’ll probably find that the only answer to “What are we going to do now?” that you can think of is “We are going to break up. Good-bye.” Most likely you’ll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

- “WHY DON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, pretend you didn’t hear, run away, whatever, but don’t say anything when she asks:

- “SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?”
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let’s face it, she’s already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

- “DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”
You’re on your own.

This joke is filed under Man and Woman.