Horoscope Horror
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AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES: Feb. 19 – Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people you resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES: Mar. 21 – Apr. 19 You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
TAURUS: Apr. 20 – May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI: May 21- Jun. 22 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: Jun. 21 – Jul. 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
LEO: Jul. 23 – Aug. 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honesty criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
VIRGO: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA: Sept. 23 – Oct. 21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you’re probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: Oct. 22 – Nov. 21 The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22 – Dec. 19 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are a worthless piece of shit.
CAPRICORN: Dec. 20 – Jan. 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.