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An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn’t be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, “Up, nuts!” and the inmates immediately rose.
When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, “Down, nuts!” and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, “Clap, nuts!” and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, “What happened?”
“Everything was fine,” the assistant said, “until some guy came over and yelled, ‘Peanuts’!”
This joke is filed under Funny Stories.
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Read this one aloud, or you won’t get it.
Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a salted.
This joke is filed under Funny Stories.
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Phil was driving home from the insurance office where he worked when his right rear tire blew. He bumped along to a stop in front of the State Mental Hospital where he noticed that he was being observed by a patient sitting on the grass.
Realizing this was not a dangerous inmate, Phil ignored him and pried off the hubcap. He got the car jacked up and spun the five lug nuts off the wheel, dropping them carefully in the hubcap, which he placed against the curb.
But, struggling to get the flat tire off without dirtying his suit, he accidentally kicked the hubcap, overturning it and spilling the lug nuts into a sewer. This was duly observed by the patient but unnoticed by Phil.
Finally Phil got the old tire off, the new tire on, and was ready to re-place the lug nuts when he saw the hubcap was empty. “What the hell…?” said Phil aloud to no one.
“Excuse me, Sir”, said the patient, “but they fell into the sewer when you kicked the hubcap.”
“Well what the #%$*& am I supposed to do now” said Phil.
“If I might suggest,” said the patient, “borrow a lug nut from each of your other tires. That will hold your spare on until you get to the service station just ahead.”
“Well that’s a great idea”, said Phil. “What are you doing in a mental hospital?”
“I’m not here because I’m stupid”, said the patient. “I’m here because I’m nuts.”
This joke is filed under Funny Stories.
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Miss Thelma McDonald, a sweet little old lady, got a great deal of pleasure out of feeding the squirrels in her back yard. There seemed to be a female and a male, whom she named Bonnie and Clyde, and several smaller squirrels whom she assumed were their children. Every morning she would leave mixed nuts under her beautiful sycamore and watch her furry little friends come for breakfast.
Her next door neighbor, old Mr. Curdy, did not enjoy the squirrels. He hated their constant chattering in his trees and he believed they were eating his tomato plants.
So one night, he did a terrible thing. He soaked some acorns in rat poison and threw them under Miss McDonald’s sycamore where the squirrels would find them.
The next morning, Thelma discovered Bonnie and Clyde stiff as boards. Heartbroken, she tenderly scooped them into a burlap sack and drove them to Mr. Gallegher, the only taxidermist in town.
“Looks like somebody poisoned these poor little critters” said Mr. Gallegher as he examined Bonnie and Clyde.
“They were my little friends”, said Miss McDonald sadly “and I’d like to do something to remember them.”
“Would you like to have them mounted?” asked Mr. Gallegher.
Miss McDonald thought for a moment. “No, Mr. Gallegher, just have them holding hands.”
This joke is filed under Funny Stories.
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What do you call nuts on the wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A dick in your mouth
This joke is filed under Questions Answers.
(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)