Jokes News

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”

The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”

The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer’s club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, “You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all.” Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers’ club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers’ club. Within a half an hour’s time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers’ club.

After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, “This is what I want you to do now… See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle’s nest on its top across the sea ?” He pointed through an window facing the sea. “I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack.” The Navy Seal said, “Consider it done, sir!”, gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers’ club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.

The Marine General said, “That’s chicken feed. I will show who’s braver.” Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, “I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked.” The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man’s daring feat.

The Army General then said, “You think that’s brave. Watch this.” Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, “I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these.” The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, “SCREW YOU, SIR!”, gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers’ club.

The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, “That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!”

If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?