Jokes News

Question: What does a sadist do to torture a masochist?
Answer: Nothing.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Because it is too cold outtide!!!

An old lady and her husband are walking to their house one night after an evening out on the town. She hears a buzzing noise and searches throughout the house to see what it is but can’t figure it out. So she goes in to her daughter’s room to find her on the end of her bed with a vibrator.

The old lady says, “What the hell are you doing!!??”

The daughter replies, “Mom, I am 40 years old, I’m ugly, I’ve never had a boyfriend AND I NEVER WILL, this all the pleasure I can get!”

“Well, ok,” says the old lady.

The next day the old lady wallks in and hears the buzzing noise again. She knows it is not her daughter because she is at the store. She looks around the house and finally finds the old man sitting in front of the T.V with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other.

“What are you doing??!!” she exclaims.

“Nothin’,” he says “I was just havin’ a conversation with my son in law.”

Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

This pedophile was bringing a kid into the woods.

The woods were dark and dreary and full of sounds . The kid got scared and looked up to the man and said, “All these noises and sounds are really scary!”

The guy looks back at the kid and says, “It’s ok for you, but I’ve got to come back this way on my own.”