Jokes News

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion School in an advanced state of agitation.

“Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited.”

“Well, Father,” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel, and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so excited, Father,” replied the nun. “It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the WALL!!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest.

“What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the CEILING, Father!!!”

An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day, while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in.

He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?”

The doctor says, “Yeah, but I’m certainly glad I’m not a gynecologist!”

This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.

The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.

He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They’re all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of “South Park”.

Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier’s wife, on her knees, giving the soldier’s best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, the best friend “does his business” and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.

The wife then looks right into the camera and says, “I want a divorce.”

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

There was class as usual in the fifth grade. In this class all the students would sit on the back except for two shy boys. But today, a boy named Pepito had been talking too much so the teacher told him, he had to sit on the front row.

That day, while the teacher was giving lecture (as always the students were falling asleep) the teacher slipped and fell. By the noise she made when she fell, the students rose to see what had happened. The teacher embarrassed of the situation got up on her feet and pretended nothing happened. While continuing her class, she couldn’t help thinking of what the students in the front row had seen. (she was wearing a mini-skirt and didn’t wear undies)

When class ended, she asked the three boys sitting in front row of class to stay for a little while. She asked the first boy, “Miguel…when I fell, what did you see?”

Miguel full of embarrasement answered, “well…uhm…I swear I only saw as far as your knees. The teacher upset of what she heard replied “for looking at my legs as I fell, I’m giving you two months of suspension”. So off went Miguel.

Then she asked the second boy what he had see when she fell. Pedro answered “teacher, I swear I only saw as high as your stockings reached”. The teacher upset on what he answered said…”I’m giving you four months of suspension”.

Lastly, and very worried, knowing that Pepito was a bad young boy, asked him nervously, “Pepito, tell me what you saw when I slipped, and tell me the truth?”.

Pepito smiling at her said, “I’ll make it easier for you, I’ll see you in a year”.