Jokes News

What did President Clinton say to one of his new interns?

Gee……I don’t think I’ve come across your face before.

The following is submitted, exactly as authored, but a “translation” follows:

>>!*”#
^’`$$-
!*=@$_
%*>>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The symbols above are called “DINGBATS”. Each Dingbat has a NAME. When you speak the name of the symbols, the following “poem” results:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,

Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,

Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,

Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,

Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,

Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

On one spring day there was this eighty-five year old man and eighty year old woman who had just gotten married.

On their way to their honeymoon the old man looks at his new bride and thinks to himself, after all these years he is finally going to get laid again.

When they finally arrive at the hotel the old couple starts to unpack. At that time the wife decides to go the bathroom to freshen up. While she is gone the old man keeps going through his mind on after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

When his wife comes out of the bathroom the old man decides that he should go freshen up as well before going to bed. All this time while he is combing what little hair he has he keep thinking on how after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

As he starts to walk toward the bed he comes to a complete halt. He sees that his new wife is on the bed standing on her head with her legs open. He bends to one side and asks, “Dear, what are you doing?”

The wife replies, “Well, dear I figured if you couldn’t get it up you could just drop it in.”

A group of friends, who prided themselves on their intelligence, set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually, the matter boiled down to Jason and Dean, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally, Jason said, “How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?”

Dean thought about that and said, “I can’t answer that. However, since it’s your question, you had better answer it.”

Jason said, coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills, “Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole, and that’s where he leaves the dirt.”

“Hold on,” said Dean, heatedly, grasping Hason’s wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. “How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?”

“That’s YOUR question,” said Jason, as he took the money.

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
-Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she’s on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8