Proposal Agreement
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Loading ...I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that…
Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied.
Section 1.01. I’ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream “Who’s your daddy” and grunt like a sea lion.
Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay.
Section 2. I fully understand that a man’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when your cut yourself shaving, wreck the new car or start a fire in the kitchen, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to the male species – it WILL be my fault…even if I wasn’t there.
Section 3. I will NEVER invite my friends over for a ‘guy’s night out’, I will tell them that you are the only one for me and you are all I need for fun, football and beer are not exceptions.
Section 3.01. I shall never mention our sex life in the workplace, to your friends or mine unless it in some way fully compliments you.
Section 3.02. I will shower frequently, scrubbing every inch with the strongest soap known to mankind.
Section 4. After making love (which I will never refer to as sex, hanky panky, wild thing, or any other vulgar screwed up terminology) I promise to cuddle with you, despite how dead my arm will become, and I swear not to practice the hug and roll technique as demonstrated by Ross on friends.
Section 4.01. I promise to call my member all the cute nicknames you make up for it.
Section 5. In bed, I will be slow and gentle. I will never press you to try stupid positions, fall asleep, or roll on top of you, pump away for a whole five minutes and wheeze like an old man with emphysema.
Section 5.01. I will never make a suggestion having anything to do with any type of lesbianism or bisexualism. In fact, the word “Lesbian” will never leave my mouth, or be in my pea –sized, one-track brain.
Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym at least 2 hrs a day in order to keep my gut from hanging over my pants.
Section 5.03. I promise never to compare you to other women, whether in my mind or out loud, even when your breasts are to your knees.
Section 5.04. I promise not to whine when your legs have gnarly forest hairs sprouting from them, or use the term “Buckwheat in a Headlock.” I will also shave my beard in order to prevent any discomfort to you.
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends, relatives or colleagues. Or anyone you have met or will one day meet. IF, and I say this loosely IF, a woman attempts to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other women.”
Section 6.01. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and electrical appliances are beyond the comprehension of men and will only take them to a ‘trained’ specialist for repair. The only exceptions are sports equipment, tools, garbage disposal and other objects that are mine and I am permitted to ruin.
Being of sound mind and body (with the exception of my beer gut), I, enter this relationship contract.
Signed _____________________________________ applicant (that’s you stupid)
