albert einstein

Q: What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?

A: Albert Einstein’s dick.

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the Top 12 finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used ONLY for company business.(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I’d wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.(Taco Bell Corporation)

Commentary from a genius, which seems appropriate:

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ” - Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “241.”

“That is wonderful!” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!”

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks her, “What is your IQ?” to which the lady answers, “144.”

“That is great!” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”

Albert responds, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

A young friend of Albert Einstein’s proudly presented his eighteen-month-old son to the great scientist. The child looked up into the old man’s smiling face and promptly began to howl. Einstein patted him on the head and said fondly, “You’re the first person for years who has told me what you really think of me.”

Old Mr. Rosenberg said to his physicist son, “Tell me something. Everyone says Albert Einstein was one of the greatest minds in the world. But what did he do?

“Among other things, Papa,” said his son, “he worked out the theory of relativity.”

“And what is that?”

Rosenberg’s son hesitated, then said, “Well, Papa, without going into detail, it’s a way of working out a theory of the universe by beginning with the assumption that some matters we have always considered to be absolute are really relative.”

“I don’t understand. What’s absolute? What’s relative?”

“It’s hard to explain, but let me give you an example. Time is time, isn’t it? An hour of time is an hour of time, no matter what. Right?

“Right.”

“Yet under certain conditions, that’s not so. To use an example that will give you an idea of what I mean, you will agree that if you spend an hour playing pinochle with your friends, it seems like a minute, but if you sit on a cake of ice for a minute, it seems like an hour.”

Old Rosenberg stared at his son and muttered softly, “An hour playing pinochle is like a minute; a minute on a cake of ice is like an hour.” Then he said, “One more thing—is it from nonsense like this that Einstein made a living?”