american civil war

During the American Civil War, a particular captured Confederate soldier was a hard man to handle.

Constantly, in his soft drawl, he would say, “Anyway, we beat the hell out of you sniveling Yankee dogs at Fredericksburg.”

The Northern sergeant in charge could not punish the impertinent prisoner as he would have liked because there was a drive on at the time to make sure that prisoners were treated humanely. Finally, however, he could stand it no more.

He marched the prisoner out with a squad of soldiers and said, “Listen, you damned Reb, I don’t care if it means my court-martial, but I’m going to have you shot if you don’t swear allegiance to the United States.”

The prisoner, weighing the murder in the sergeant’s eyes, swore allegiance.

“Now,” said the sergeant, “you did this before witnesses. You’re a loyal American. If I hear any snide remarks about the American Army, you’ll be a traitor. It may be against the articles of war to shoot prisoners, but it’s perfectly all right to shoot traitors.”

The ex-Confederate soldier thought about that for awhile, then he said, “Okay, sergeant, but ain’t it a stinking, filthy shame what them damned rebels did to us Yankees at Fredericksburg?”

Now let’s see here if I understand all this correctly…

President Clinton has ordered our forces to engage an entrenched, politically motivated enemy, backed by the Russians, on their home ground, in a foreign civil war, in difficult terrain, with limited military objectives, bombing restrictions, boundary and operational restrictions, queasy allies, far across the ocean, with uncertain goals, without prior consultation with Congress, the potential for escalation, while limiting the forces at his disposal, and the majority of Americans opposed to or at least uncertain about the value of the action being worth American lives.

So just what was it exactly that he was opposed to in Vietnam?

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

…The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

…For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

…You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

…You don’t know what a moon pie is.

…You’ve never eaten Okra.

…You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

…You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

…You’ve never had grain alcohol.

…You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

…You have no idea what a polecat is.

…Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

…You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

…You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

…You don’t have a least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

…You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

…You refer to two or more people as “you guys”.

…You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

…You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

…Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football or hockey game.

…You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob)

…You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

…You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

…You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for…(something)

…You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

…Your idea of a perfect meal is “Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah.”

…You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

…Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

…You don’t “reckon”.

…You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

…You don’t use paper sacks.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:
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1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that the Sony introduced the Walkman.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
32. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
33. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
34. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
35. They never heard the terms: “Where’s the beef?,” “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonald’s never came in styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.